i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
