So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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