how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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