just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
