it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
smell my finger.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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