nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
