She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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