Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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