once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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