go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
