You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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