Your dad touched me again.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
