I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
