connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
