Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
FUCK WHALES
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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