Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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