Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We left the knife in your bed.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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