Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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