Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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