why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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