Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
