she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
