1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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