he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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