the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
