just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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