My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
