so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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