do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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