Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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