I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
