What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
