Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
