So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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