I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
