apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
