Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
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It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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