I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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