I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
