I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize