I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
