dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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