he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
