Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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