i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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