Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
