i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
