I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
im about as happy as oj after his trial
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
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