You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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