all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
