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So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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