Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
