My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
