ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
