Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
