i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
