Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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