More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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