It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Randomize
